Just playing the waiting game over here. I'm late - all of one day, sort of.
Let me explain: My cycles have been anywhere from 24 - 27 days long (that's a 4 day difference) for the past year. Regular, but still it can vary. I have an average cycle of 24 days. Going by the average - I am now one day late.
However - I am going to give it until the 27th to actually call it "late".
Yesterday, most of my symptoms disappeared with the exception of dull cramps and a killer backache. However I had to pee so much it was crazy!!!
Today - the cramps showed up briefly after I woke up. But then I took a nap and they're completely gone. The backache is so minor as to not really bother me any more. My head is pounding, and I'm just a wee bit gassy. I did take a 3 hour nap around noon though! And my breasts are moderately sore - more painful than they've been all month.
So - I lost some symptoms and gained others. Oh yeah, and I really ought to mention that yesterday and today I have been a major bitch. I'm not in a bad mood - just my dh (that jackass) has really gotten on my nerves! LOL
Other than the bitchiness - it doesn't feel like AF is on her way. No regular other PMS symptoms. I'v ebeen having all the PMS symptoms since ovulation. It's crazy.
I was a good girl and did NOT take a test yesterday and I have not taken one today. I'm going to try to be a very very very good girl and hold out until either AF shows her ugly face or the 28th.
Keeping my fingers crossed and praying like crazy that she stays away and that a pregnancy test will read positive on Thursday!!!
Monday, June 25, 2012
Sunday, June 24, 2012
A killer
Anxiety is a killer!
Sitting here just waiting on af to show.
I have had some strange symptoms the past few days and lots of symptoms have just gone away.
Today it's mostly been cramps and back ache and burping a lot. Also a much more intense need to pee! It feels like af is about to visit but the cramps are a little different.
But then again I have had cramps every single day since cd 9 so even though I'm cramping today doesn't necessarily mean crap.
I'm not going to call it a missed period until after June 27th. Just in case I did o late.
Even though I'm certain I o'd the 9th or 10th, butt no later.
All tests have been negative so far. Last night late I took one just because I couldn't resist. If I held it just right (right light right angle) I swear I saw the faintest of pink lines but if I moved it a fraction of an inch the line disappeared. In my mind, head, brain, the rational and logical part of myself I think that I was just imagining things and there want really a line. But in my heart I truly believe there was.
I'm thinking of taking a digital test in the morning because a lot of people on the forums are getting negatives with the frers and positives with the digitals.
I desperately hope it's positive. I am beyond ready to get my bfp!
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Can't wait for this weekend when I can FINALLY know!
Chart from this website.
I want this weekend to get here so quickly! This waiting around crap is for the birds!
Some moments I feel absolutely certain that I am pregnant.
Other moments I feel like I'm certainly crazy!
New Question for Fun
Just for kicks, I decided to do another Tarot Reading.
Deck: The Llewellyn Tarot
Spread: Past, Present, Future
Question - Am I pregnant with twins?
A card in the left position indicates what has happened to affect your question in the past.
Meaning: A kind, capable woman. One who instills confidence in others. A beneficial influence. A strong role model. A woman who promotes and encourages the potential of those around her. A peacemaker and diplomat. An intelligent, calm, mature personality. Determination and dignity. One who teaches by example. A nurturing, considerate person who gives much to the community. Confidence. Empathy. A matriarch. Guidance and support. A mother figure. Security, comfort, and appreciation. Fertility. Personal development.
Could this be referring to me? Or my Mom? My mom had a dream about a year ago that I was going to have twins. Or could this be the Lady? The eternal Mother Goddess blessing my life and efforts. Or even, could this be my daughter? While not a woman yet (at only 10 years old), she certainly carries many of these traits.
A card in the middle position indicates what is affecting your question at this time.
Meaning: Dreams. A fertile imagination. Numerous and sometimes conflicting desires. Dreaming up options. Window shopping for paths and goals. Fertility in mind and spirit. Bemused and confused by the possibilities of options. Unexpected turn of events. Realization of a long shot. Surprises. Triumph of the underdog. Humor, thrills, and vision.
Certainly dreaming of twins. Would love to have twins. Is it a long shot? Yeah. Will I (and my DH) be surprised? Yup - he'll faint on the floor of the doctor's office if we find out it's twins. But could it be more?
A card in the right position indicates your questions future.
Meaning: Arrival of a positive phase. Good news brought by a cheerful friend or ally. Youth, potential, and flexibility. Socializing. Being open to new ideas. Stimulation. Broadening horizons. A true, faithful heart. Play and excitement.
So, twins? Yea or Nay? Sounding an awful lot like Yea to me. O_O Holy Crap. LOL
Personally, I really would love to have twins. I honestly would love to have 3 kids (total). My daughter has grown up as an only child for so long and she really hasn't had any playmates. Even having another baby - she still wouldn't really have a playmate either because of the 11 year age gap. And I would desperately love it if this new baby had a twin so they could play
Deck: The Llewellyn Tarot
Spread: Past, Present, Future
Question - Am I pregnant with twins?
The Empress
In the Past positionA card in the left position indicates what has happened to affect your question in the past.
Meaning: A kind, capable woman. One who instills confidence in others. A beneficial influence. A strong role model. A woman who promotes and encourages the potential of those around her. A peacemaker and diplomat. An intelligent, calm, mature personality. Determination and dignity. One who teaches by example. A nurturing, considerate person who gives much to the community. Confidence. Empathy. A matriarch. Guidance and support. A mother figure. Security, comfort, and appreciation. Fertility. Personal development.
Could this be referring to me? Or my Mom? My mom had a dream about a year ago that I was going to have twins. Or could this be the Lady? The eternal Mother Goddess blessing my life and efforts. Or even, could this be my daughter? While not a woman yet (at only 10 years old), she certainly carries many of these traits.
Seven of Cups
In the Present positionA card in the middle position indicates what is affecting your question at this time.
Meaning: Dreams. A fertile imagination. Numerous and sometimes conflicting desires. Dreaming up options. Window shopping for paths and goals. Fertility in mind and spirit. Bemused and confused by the possibilities of options. Unexpected turn of events. Realization of a long shot. Surprises. Triumph of the underdog. Humor, thrills, and vision.
Certainly dreaming of twins. Would love to have twins. Is it a long shot? Yeah. Will I (and my DH) be surprised? Yup - he'll faint on the floor of the doctor's office if we find out it's twins. But could it be more?
Page of Wands
In the Future positionA card in the right position indicates your questions future.
Meaning: Arrival of a positive phase. Good news brought by a cheerful friend or ally. Youth, potential, and flexibility. Socializing. Being open to new ideas. Stimulation. Broadening horizons. A true, faithful heart. Play and excitement.
I like the whole "arrival of a positive phase". And Good news brought by a cheerful friend sounds really nice. My OB is a great joker - he'd absolutely LOVE to bring me that kind of news!! Potential and flexibility. Definitely going to need those! Excitement - I imagine so!
So, twins? Yea or Nay? Sounding an awful lot like Yea to me. O_O Holy Crap. LOL
Personally, I really would love to have twins. I honestly would love to have 3 kids (total). My daughter has grown up as an only child for so long and she really hasn't had any playmates. Even having another baby - she still wouldn't really have a playmate either because of the 11 year age gap. And I would desperately love it if this new baby had a twin so they could play
Not such a good day
I bought several pregnancy tests yesterday so that I could give in to my "OMG I've GOT to POAS" obsession.
I woke up at 5:30 this morning (on my day off!!) because I had to pee so badly! And I took a pregnancy test. Negative. I know I'm only 9 dpo, but still! I was hoping to see a tiny faint positive. *cry*
I went back to sleep because I could! And when I woke back up almost all of my symptoms are GONE!!!
I have been having MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR pregnancy symptoms. And now they're all gone! What the hell is going on?
My back still hurts a little bit and I'm still a little bit bloated (but way less than I was). The sides of my breasts still hurt. But that is IT! No headache, no fatigue. Nothing. And yesterday my cramps, headache, and backache were way worse than they've been to date.
Needless to day, I'm all "yeah, not pregnant this cycle. Just my stupid mind playing tricks on me." Even though I know it's still too early to tell. I may not have even implanted yet. And without implantation there is no hcg.
*shrug* I just don't know. And the freakin wait is killing me.
However,
I did another Tarot Reading just for kicks.
Deck: The Llewellyn Tarot
Spread: Hexefus Spread
This card represents the root of the matter; what has gone before, and is directly related to the current situation. Check to see how the energies of this card blend with the other six cards; remember that it moves with each mystery in a different way.
Meaning: Courage. The determination to overcome obstacles. Inner strength. Spiritual strength. Consistent effort. Conviction. Having the strength to persevere. Being able to withstand naysayers and judgments of others and not be deterred. Facing one's fears. Being true. Harnessing passions that threaten to overwhelm but may be tamed with compassion and the will to overcome. Faith. Vitality. Ability to endure failures, losses, and disappointment, and yet keep the faith. Tenacity. Energy and intelligence. Work. Activity. Integrity. Focus and discipline. Overcoming. Outlasting competition or conditions. Reason and passion unite to bring strength.
Here are indicated the energies of the second mystery of magick in the life of the querent. This card shows how we use our gifts, talents, skills, intuition, and psychism; and, in particular, how these gifts should or should not be used at this time. If the querent practices the occult sciences, some indication of that may be found here, if it bears relevance on the question posed.
Meaning: Prudence. Assessment. Tallying. Successful handling of a multifaceted venture. Having speculated and been proven right. Planning and diplomacy. Care in choosing friends and confidants. Compassion, patience, and effort to understand others. Foresight and honourable behavior. Popularity.
This card brings forth the energies of the third mystery of one's oath in the life of the querent; showing what the querent, up to this point, has dedicated his or her life to, what his or her principles are, and how he or she operates according to those values. It may show you what is most important to the querent at this time.
Meaning: Romance, love, attraction of opposites. Union. Magnetism. Dance of courtship. Entwining energies. Sparks. The flow and grace of a natural match. Forming emotional bonds. Sharing, stability in give and take. Balanced ebb and flow of emotions. Curiosity, affection, and excitement. Most often symbolizes a romantic partnership, but may refer to a friendship or alliance with an emotional component and compatibility of a kindred polarity. Engagement or marriage.
The effects of the fourth mystery of karma or Wyrd in the life of the querent are apparent in this card. It can tell you if the person is working toward good karma, or not so good. Physical birth or death, both of issues and people, may fall here, depending on the question. Indications of past and present actions can assist you in answering the question posed. Financial and mental stability are also reflected in this card.
Meaning: Burden. Rising to a challenge. Not flinching in the face of hard work. Pressure. Effort and time. Asserting oneself. Oppression followed by gain. Sustaining others. Carrying one's weight and more. Saving for a home. Budget restrictions. Perseverance. Suppressing one's needs to accomplish a demanding task.
This card indicates the fifth mystery of wisdom, power, and lineage in the life of the querent. Here you will be able to discover whether or not the querent has used wise counsel, directs his or her power wisely, and how he or she is responding to his or her life's plan. The card can also tell you from what source the querent should draw to assist in the issue at hand.
Meaning: Restraint. Suspension. Stalemate. Atonement. Not being able to make one's influence felt. Being held at a disadvantage. The dull pain born of constraint. Being caught in a web. A freeze on life. Detachment and isolation. Impotence and chastisement. Can mean a punishment, as in the law of retaliation applying to the traitor. Such suspensions can follow betraying one's self in doing or allowing something in one's life that was known to be wrong. Feeling marginalized, which can be a form of protection. Redemption. The silence of constraint brings deeper self-knowledge and sharpens the intuitive senses as a blind man "sees". Tapping a deep root. Uncommon knowledge. A life pared down to the basics. A time of gestation in a borderland state between chapters in life. Self-sacrifice in pursuit of knowledge or a cause. Energy drain. Delays and suspension of plans. A wise temporary surrender. Endurance. Insight. Being still in order to learn the secret to freeing one's self.
The final card shows overall advice and counsel on the question asked.
Meaning: Inspiration. Rising to a challenge. Breakthrough in thinking. Self-reliance, spiritual strength, and confidence. Conviction and faith in vision or path. Reason reigning over impulse. Ideas empowered by desire. Creative heights and achievement. Quick thinking, humour, and balance. Revelations and transcendent thoughts. Fruitful plans and far-reaching ideas. Empathy and understanding. Marriage and fertility.
Favorable tarot in response to my question. Even with the negative test. Must keep faith. Must have just been too early to test.
We'll see. I will more than likely test tomorrow. It being the Summer Solstice and all!
I woke up at 5:30 this morning (on my day off!!) because I had to pee so badly! And I took a pregnancy test. Negative. I know I'm only 9 dpo, but still! I was hoping to see a tiny faint positive. *cry*
I went back to sleep because I could! And when I woke back up almost all of my symptoms are GONE!!!
I have been having MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR pregnancy symptoms. And now they're all gone! What the hell is going on?
My back still hurts a little bit and I'm still a little bit bloated (but way less than I was). The sides of my breasts still hurt. But that is IT! No headache, no fatigue. Nothing. And yesterday my cramps, headache, and backache were way worse than they've been to date.
Needless to day, I'm all "yeah, not pregnant this cycle. Just my stupid mind playing tricks on me." Even though I know it's still too early to tell. I may not have even implanted yet. And without implantation there is no hcg.
*shrug* I just don't know. And the freakin wait is killing me.
However,
I did another Tarot Reading just for kicks.
Deck: The Llewellyn Tarot
Spread: Hexefus Spread
Question: Am I still pregnant even though my symptoms have disappeared?
Strength
In the Root positionThis card represents the root of the matter; what has gone before, and is directly related to the current situation. Check to see how the energies of this card blend with the other six cards; remember that it moves with each mystery in a different way.
Meaning: Courage. The determination to overcome obstacles. Inner strength. Spiritual strength. Consistent effort. Conviction. Having the strength to persevere. Being able to withstand naysayers and judgments of others and not be deterred. Facing one's fears. Being true. Harnessing passions that threaten to overwhelm but may be tamed with compassion and the will to overcome. Faith. Vitality. Ability to endure failures, losses, and disappointment, and yet keep the faith. Tenacity. Energy and intelligence. Work. Activity. Integrity. Focus and discipline. Overcoming. Outlasting competition or conditions. Reason and passion unite to bring strength.
Nine of Pentacles
In the Magick position
Here are indicated the energies of the second mystery of magick in the life of the querent. This card shows how we use our gifts, talents, skills, intuition, and psychism; and, in particular, how these gifts should or should not be used at this time. If the querent practices the occult sciences, some indication of that may be found here, if it bears relevance on the question posed.
Meaning: Prudence. Assessment. Tallying. Successful handling of a multifaceted venture. Having speculated and been proven right. Planning and diplomacy. Care in choosing friends and confidants. Compassion, patience, and effort to understand others. Foresight and honourable behavior. Popularity.
Two of Cups
In the Oath positionThis card brings forth the energies of the third mystery of one's oath in the life of the querent; showing what the querent, up to this point, has dedicated his or her life to, what his or her principles are, and how he or she operates according to those values. It may show you what is most important to the querent at this time.
Meaning: Romance, love, attraction of opposites. Union. Magnetism. Dance of courtship. Entwining energies. Sparks. The flow and grace of a natural match. Forming emotional bonds. Sharing, stability in give and take. Balanced ebb and flow of emotions. Curiosity, affection, and excitement. Most often symbolizes a romantic partnership, but may refer to a friendship or alliance with an emotional component and compatibility of a kindred polarity. Engagement or marriage.
Ten of Wands
In the Karma positionThe effects of the fourth mystery of karma or Wyrd in the life of the querent are apparent in this card. It can tell you if the person is working toward good karma, or not so good. Physical birth or death, both of issues and people, may fall here, depending on the question. Indications of past and present actions can assist you in answering the question posed. Financial and mental stability are also reflected in this card.
Meaning: Burden. Rising to a challenge. Not flinching in the face of hard work. Pressure. Effort and time. Asserting oneself. Oppression followed by gain. Sustaining others. Carrying one's weight and more. Saving for a home. Budget restrictions. Perseverance. Suppressing one's needs to accomplish a demanding task.
The Hanged Man
In the Wisdom positionThis card indicates the fifth mystery of wisdom, power, and lineage in the life of the querent. Here you will be able to discover whether or not the querent has used wise counsel, directs his or her power wisely, and how he or she is responding to his or her life's plan. The card can also tell you from what source the querent should draw to assist in the issue at hand.
Meaning: Restraint. Suspension. Stalemate. Atonement. Not being able to make one's influence felt. Being held at a disadvantage. The dull pain born of constraint. Being caught in a web. A freeze on life. Detachment and isolation. Impotence and chastisement. Can mean a punishment, as in the law of retaliation applying to the traitor. Such suspensions can follow betraying one's self in doing or allowing something in one's life that was known to be wrong. Feeling marginalized, which can be a form of protection. Redemption. The silence of constraint brings deeper self-knowledge and sharpens the intuitive senses as a blind man "sees". Tapping a deep root. Uncommon knowledge. A life pared down to the basics. A time of gestation in a borderland state between chapters in life. Self-sacrifice in pursuit of knowledge or a cause. Energy drain. Delays and suspension of plans. A wise temporary surrender. Endurance. Insight. Being still in order to learn the secret to freeing one's self.
Ace of Wands
In the Outcome positionThe final card shows overall advice and counsel on the question asked.
Meaning: Inspiration. Rising to a challenge. Breakthrough in thinking. Self-reliance, spiritual strength, and confidence. Conviction and faith in vision or path. Reason reigning over impulse. Ideas empowered by desire. Creative heights and achievement. Quick thinking, humour, and balance. Revelations and transcendent thoughts. Fruitful plans and far-reaching ideas. Empathy and understanding. Marriage and fertility.
Favorable tarot in response to my question. Even with the negative test. Must keep faith. Must have just been too early to test.
We'll see. I will more than likely test tomorrow. It being the Summer Solstice and all!
Sunday, June 17, 2012
LOVING my tarot!!!!
I am so loving my tarot readings this week!! Every single day they are so positive!!
Again the question is: Am I pregnant?
Selected Deck: The Llewellyn Tarot
Selected Layout: Past, Present, Future
A card in the left position indicates what has happened to affect your question in the past.
Meaning: Doubts and hardship. Turmoil, extravagance. Lack of support or guidance. Cold comfort. Instability. Overly protective behavior. Infertility or unplanned pregnancy.
A card in the middle position indicates what is affecting your question at this time.
Meaning: Frustration and fear. Feeling powerless and at the mercy of outside forces. The controlling behavior of others. Unfair treatment. A pawn. Not having the ability to adequately protect oneself. Vulnerable to deceit. Scapegoat. Pleas falling on deaf ears. Being misunderstood. Being used. A temporary situation that will pass.
A card in the right position indicates your questions future.
Meaning: Full heart. Blessings. Higher, mature love. True love. Real companionship. Dreams come true. Safety, security, and satisfaction. A giving relationship. Natural order. Home providing joy. Thanksgiving. Trust. A feeling of arrival and freedom. Fruitful partnership. Deep connection. Joining of talents make for a powerful, creative force. Fortunate, natural pairing. Harmony. A dreamy partnership as a source of light and benefit to others.
Again the question is: Am I pregnant?
Selected Deck: The Llewellyn Tarot
Selected Layout: Past, Present, Future
The Empress - Reversed
In the Past positionA card in the left position indicates what has happened to affect your question in the past.
Meaning: Doubts and hardship. Turmoil, extravagance. Lack of support or guidance. Cold comfort. Instability. Overly protective behavior. Infertility or unplanned pregnancy.
Yep. 3 unplanned pregnancies in my past - no "am I pregnant?" feelings in 8 very very long years. Definitely have gone through a dry spell. Have had doubts for years as to whether or not my Ovarian Cysts & Cervical Cancer ruined my ability to even GET pregnant due to scar tissue on my cervix and other complications. DH hasn't been supportive about having a baby. Hardship? Yeah.
Eight of Swords
In the Present positionA card in the middle position indicates what is affecting your question at this time.
Meaning: Frustration and fear. Feeling powerless and at the mercy of outside forces. The controlling behavior of others. Unfair treatment. A pawn. Not having the ability to adequately protect oneself. Vulnerable to deceit. Scapegoat. Pleas falling on deaf ears. Being misunderstood. Being used. A temporary situation that will pass.
Frustrated? Yes. My best friend just had her baby - while I'm happy for you I'm frustrated because I want to know where my baby is!! Fear? Oh yeah - fear that I won't be able to get pregnant again. Fear over being able to carry another child. Feeling powerless? Most definitely. I realize that children come from the Lord and Lady and that no matter how hard you wish and dream, Nature will have her way before you get yours. Please falling on deaf ears. Need I reiterate about DH not wanting to ttc until now? But yay for a temporary situation that will pass!!!!!
Ten of Cups
In the Future positionA card in the right position indicates your questions future.
Meaning: Full heart. Blessings. Higher, mature love. True love. Real companionship. Dreams come true. Safety, security, and satisfaction. A giving relationship. Natural order. Home providing joy. Thanksgiving. Trust. A feeling of arrival and freedom. Fruitful partnership. Deep connection. Joining of talents make for a powerful, creative force. Fortunate, natural pairing. Harmony. A dreamy partnership as a source of light and benefit to others.
Remember
the question? The future & answer of my question: Blessings!
Dreams coming true! True love & satisfaction! Fruitful
partnership! Deep connection! Joining of talents making a creative
force! Natural pairing! Fortunate!
Definitely a positive outcome. It's uncanny how often the tarot cards truly nail the situation.
I
can hardly contain myself until the 21-24th when I can take a pregnancy
test!!! Though of course, I do know what it'll say. Two pink lines!
Big Fat Positive!!!
This week really needs to speed by!!!
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Psyching myself out
I am completely psyching myself out. I have been wanting to be pregnant for so long that I'm really screwing with my emotions. I have had lots of cycles over the years where I invented symptoms and just knew I was pregnant only to get a visit from Af. This cycle, the symptoms are real but I'm still doubting the truth of them.
All my previous pregnancies were completely unplanned so I have no idea if I had symptoms or not. I didn't even realize I was late! It wasn't until 5 weeks that I started violently throwing up that I even expected anything.
I just knew this month would be my month. I had huge amounts of opptimism before I ovulated. Just knew it was my time! But now, I'm not so sure. My "symptoms" started fading yesterday and I started feeling better. Today I feel much better. I'm still having the cramping and back aches, head aches and being tired after short bursts of activity (was so tired after driving to work!). Blah blah blah. My newest symptom is my breasts started being sore yesterday with a blue distended vein. Still having that today.
BUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I very well could have ovulated on the 12th or on the 14th. I feel (felt) life I o'd on the 9th or 10th. But I have certainly been known to O later than I think. So all my symptoms could certainly still have been pre-o symptoms. Without using opks and temping I just have no idea when I actually o'd.
As for the exhaustion, I can explain that away with not sleeping well for about a week or so and the diet I started right before this cycle started. Having to pee more often and threw cramps, even the back ache, could poosibly be a uti!
I can explain everything away. But the biggest thing is that I want it too badly. And I just don't feel pregnant. I feel like I've already gotten my bfn. I just want to break down and weep!
I know that faith, hope, and a positive attitude are something that I should still be holding on to. I mean, I haven't even given it enough time to implant!!!
I guess I should just change my name to doubting thomasina. Cause I just don't believe any more.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Driving myself crazy...
Why do women, and myself in particular, do this each month? Why do we nitpick every single tiny thing that could possibly be construed as a "too early to tell but I'm still having it anyway so it must be true" pregnancy symptom? I do this and I know lots and lots of other women who do this as well.
Here are my (only) 3dpo "symptoms":
Many of these are TMI - but for anyone out there actively ttc, well you've seen/read/had them all before!
Ok, so I know I'm crazy. All of these symptoms point to: Post-Ovulation/ Coming down with an illness/ pregnancy/ insanity/ a "make-believe" pregnancy/ insanity.
Only 3 dpo and I've got all kinds of mysterious "symptoms". It just really isn't supposed to happen like that. I'm not supposed to get ANY symptoms until after implantation (still 3 to 6 days away). But still. I don't know. I'm all confuzzled! LOL
I've heard/read that if carrying twins, symptoms can be exaggerated and show up earlier than they would with a single. Twins would be awesome!
But who knows. We'll just have to wait and see. I hate waiting. Waiting sucks!
Here are my (only) 3dpo "symptoms":
Many of these are TMI - but for anyone out there actively ttc, well you've seen/read/had them all before!
- I'm so tired I can hardly keep my eyes open. Whatever you do, please don't make me move!
- I just feel "ugh". General feeling of just "not feeling well"
- Dull cramping right in the middle of my abdomen
- Dull lower back pain which is constant - it never stops hurting, or if it does stop, it's only for a few minutes to an hour at a time.
- Everything tastes funny. Not metallic, but just really funny and off.
- I feel like I want to puke all the time. And if I would just go ahead and get it over with I'd feel so much better.
- I feel shaky. Like my body is doing things and running off of reserves of something that I didn't know I had. I feel like I drank 6 pots of coffee and are going into hyper drive! (and I haven't had the first cup!)
- I'm so dizzy. I can sit perfectly still with my eyes closed and as soon as I open them I'm dizzy. Moving is like trying to walk across one of those bridges on playgrounds - the metal/wood ones that are just planks tied together. You know, the ones when you were a kid, you'd make your buddy stand on the other side and y'all would take turns jumping just to throw the other off balance.
- My balance is off. Largely due in part to the dizziness.
- I feel limp. If I just hold my hands down by my sides while sitting, I feel like I could just sink right through the floor.
- Occasional sharp twinges in my left and right sides. These twinges are painful. Like someone's in there sticking their finger into my ovaries
- My CM the day before yesterday was very very sticky with white globs in it. Yesterday it was more slippery but still had globs in it. Both days, it was definitely increased - I could feel it dripping (yuck!). Today it is clear, very wet, not sticky, and no globs. But still increased. I get lots more on my fingers, but don't really feel it dripping.
- I'm running a low grade temp - 99.0. I never run a fever unless I'm actually sick with the flu/bronchitis or something like that.
- I'm so gassy and bloated. I feel like if someone poked me in the belly I'd just explode!
- My nipples are slightly sensitive. They don't hurt or anything, and they're not nearly as sensitive as they usually are right before AF. But just noticeably sensitive during play.
- Yesterday and the day before it was uncomfy to lay on my stomach. Today, I really haven't had that much of a problem.
- I'm starving!!! Of course, this could be attributed to the diet I started 2 weeks ago. But I JUST ate a huge supper which was very filling, but an hour later I'm ravenous.
- The thought of food, or at least some foods really make me want to puke. My cereal this morning - after 2 bites, I couldn't eat anymore. It was horrible. The blueberry muffins I tried to eat instead - the smell alone made me want to light them on fire with a blow torch just to get them away from me!
- I'm so tired, yet am having trouble falling asleep. This is actually normal for me, but not so normal here lately (the past couple of months I've had no trouble falling asleep).
- I feel unfocused. Like I could stare off into nothingness and be entertained for hours. Just lose myself in space.
Ok, so I know I'm crazy. All of these symptoms point to: Post-Ovulation/ Coming down with an illness/ pregnancy/ insanity/ a "make-believe" pregnancy/ insanity.
Only 3 dpo and I've got all kinds of mysterious "symptoms". It just really isn't supposed to happen like that. I'm not supposed to get ANY symptoms until after implantation (still 3 to 6 days away). But still. I don't know. I'm all confuzzled! LOL
I've heard/read that if carrying twins, symptoms can be exaggerated and show up earlier than they would with a single. Twins would be awesome!
But who knows. We'll just have to wait and see. I hate waiting. Waiting sucks!
Can't help myself! Another Tarot!
I just couldn't help myself! Another tarot reading! And again, quite favorable!
Selected Deck: The Llewellyn Tarot
Selected Layout: Hexefus Spread
Hexefus Spread
My question - all thoughts, energies, vibes, and will focused on: AM I PREGNANT???
My Spread:
This card represents the root of the matter; what has gone before, and is directly related to the current situation. Check to see how the energies of this card blend with the other six cards; remember that it moves with each mystery in a different way.
Meaning: Courage, determination, and creative thinking. Portends a good time to hazard a gamble. Though the odds may seem against you, there are advantages to your position. The victory of a major battle paves the way to opportunity and a positive cycle in life. Taking a stand. Guarding principles and dreams. Fending off predators. Silencing naysayers.
This card shows the energies of the first mystery of universal love in the life of the querent. It explains how the querent's actions manifest in the surrounding world, whether following a harmonious Wyrd or a flawed one. It also describes how the querent perceives his or her relationships with others.
Meaning: A visionary man. A strong, dignified man with a gentle manner who enriches the lives of those around him. An authority. Meaningful accomplishment. Intelligence and influence. Significant artistic abilities. Trust. Ethics. Strength of conviction. Higher principles and higher love. Intuition and foresight. A magnetic, somewhat reclusive, reflective nature.
Here are indicated the energies of the second mystery of magick in the life of the querent. This card shows how we use our gifts, talents, skills, intuition, and psychism; and, in particular, how these gifts should or should not be used at this time. If the querent practices the occult sciences, some indication of that may be found here, if it bears relevance on the question posed.
Meaning: Heartache. Hurt. Harsh resolution. Distress. Having been abandoned. Severance. Feeling crippled by the weight of past hurts. The pain of being misunderstood or unfairly judged. Rejection. Estrangement. Fear and isolation. Separation. The pain of a triangle dynamic in relationship or interests. The need for mental control over emotions. Frail health.
This card brings forth the energies of the third mystery of one's oath in the life of the querent; showing what the querent, up to this point, has dedicated his or her life to, what his or her principles are, and how he or she operates according to those values. It may show you what is most important to the querent at this time.
Meaning: A quick, clever man with a sense of humour. One with an unusual way of looking at life, recognizing patterns and opportunities missed by others. He is somewhat unpredictable, making for stimulating company. A man who inspires with his enthusiasm and gift of language. A considerate and loyal person. A journey or change of residence. Sound instincts.
The effects of the fourth mystery of karma or Wyrd in the life of the querent are apparent in this card. It can tell you if the person is working toward good karma, or not so good. Physical birth or death, both of issues and people, may fall here, depending on the question. Indications of past and present actions can assist you in answering the question posed. Financial and mental stability are also reflected in this card.
Meaning: Hope. Inspiration. Guiding star. Moment of grace and peace. Freedom. Early signs of life taking on a new pattern. Freedom after trials. Chance for escape. First sign of dawn. Release. Self-reliance. Clever, inspired ideas. Listening for direction. A quickening. Salvation. Empowerment. Destiny. A time of farseeing. Taking steps to save one's self‹not giving into resignation. Enlightened idea. Planning. Thaw of the ice. Return of life force. Rejuvenation. Drawing strength from nature.
This card indicates the fifth mystery of wisdom, power, and lineage in the life of the querent. Here you will be able to discover whether or not the querent has used wise counsel, directs his or her power wisely, and how he or she is responding to his or her life's plan. The card can also tell you from what source the querent should draw to assist in the issue at hand.
Meaning: Nightmares, suspicion, and insecurity. Depression weighing one down. Worry and delays. Longing and misery. Pining for a loved one. Distress and obsession. The haunting of past hurts and injustices. Debilitating, unhealthy situation. Unrelenting enemy. Loneliness. Indecision. Bewilderment. Premature end.
The final card shows overall advice and counsel on the question asked.
Meaning: Good news. Invitation. A cheerful young person with a trusting heart. Optimism. Romantic interest. Imagination. Playfulness. Artistic abilities. Compassion and understanding. Birth of a child. An accommodating, well-mannered soul.
Selected Deck: The Llewellyn Tarot
Selected Layout: Hexefus Spread
- The Root Position
- The Love Position
- The Magick Position
- The Oath Position
- The Karma Position
- The Wisdom Position
- The Outcome Position
My question - all thoughts, energies, vibes, and will focused on: AM I PREGNANT???
My Spread:
Seven of Wands
In the Root positionThis card represents the root of the matter; what has gone before, and is directly related to the current situation. Check to see how the energies of this card blend with the other six cards; remember that it moves with each mystery in a different way.
Meaning: Courage, determination, and creative thinking. Portends a good time to hazard a gamble. Though the odds may seem against you, there are advantages to your position. The victory of a major battle paves the way to opportunity and a positive cycle in life. Taking a stand. Guarding principles and dreams. Fending off predators. Silencing naysayers.
Have been desperately trying to get DH to hop aboard the "baby train" and have another baby. It's been a very long, uphill battle. But he decided (after a trip to the hospital with chest pains, that YES! it was indeed time to start trying to conceive!
King of Cups
In the Love positionThis card shows the energies of the first mystery of universal love in the life of the querent. It explains how the querent's actions manifest in the surrounding world, whether following a harmonious Wyrd or a flawed one. It also describes how the querent perceives his or her relationships with others.
Meaning: A visionary man. A strong, dignified man with a gentle manner who enriches the lives of those around him. An authority. Meaningful accomplishment. Intelligence and influence. Significant artistic abilities. Trust. Ethics. Strength of conviction. Higher principles and higher love. Intuition and foresight. A magnetic, somewhat reclusive, reflective nature.
Meet my husband.
Three of Swords
In the Magick positionHere are indicated the energies of the second mystery of magick in the life of the querent. This card shows how we use our gifts, talents, skills, intuition, and psychism; and, in particular, how these gifts should or should not be used at this time. If the querent practices the occult sciences, some indication of that may be found here, if it bears relevance on the question posed.
Meaning: Heartache. Hurt. Harsh resolution. Distress. Having been abandoned. Severance. Feeling crippled by the weight of past hurts. The pain of being misunderstood or unfairly judged. Rejection. Estrangement. Fear and isolation. Separation. The pain of a triangle dynamic in relationship or interests. The need for mental control over emotions. Frail health.
Not particularly flattering to me. But a lot of times, the truth hurts.
Knight of Wands
In the Oath positionThis card brings forth the energies of the third mystery of one's oath in the life of the querent; showing what the querent, up to this point, has dedicated his or her life to, what his or her principles are, and how he or she operates according to those values. It may show you what is most important to the querent at this time.
Meaning: A quick, clever man with a sense of humour. One with an unusual way of looking at life, recognizing patterns and opportunities missed by others. He is somewhat unpredictable, making for stimulating company. A man who inspires with his enthusiasm and gift of language. A considerate and loyal person. A journey or change of residence. Sound instincts.
Well, I like to think I have a sense of humor and an unusual way of looking at life. It's funny that this card should pop up in the Oath position too. This describes my husband almost absolutely.
The Star
In the Karma positionThe effects of the fourth mystery of karma or Wyrd in the life of the querent are apparent in this card. It can tell you if the person is working toward good karma, or not so good. Physical birth or death, both of issues and people, may fall here, depending on the question. Indications of past and present actions can assist you in answering the question posed. Financial and mental stability are also reflected in this card.
Meaning: Hope. Inspiration. Guiding star. Moment of grace and peace. Freedom. Early signs of life taking on a new pattern. Freedom after trials. Chance for escape. First sign of dawn. Release. Self-reliance. Clever, inspired ideas. Listening for direction. A quickening. Salvation. Empowerment. Destiny. A time of farseeing. Taking steps to save one's self‹not giving into resignation. Enlightened idea. Planning. Thaw of the ice. Return of life force. Rejuvenation. Drawing strength from nature.
Karma knocks and I answer. Physical birth of people fall here. This card represents a quickening. First sign of dawn. Early signs of life. Return of Life Force. All signs pointing to a favorable outcome (which for me is the answer YES to "Am I pregnant?"
Nine of Swords
In the Wisdom positionThis card indicates the fifth mystery of wisdom, power, and lineage in the life of the querent. Here you will be able to discover whether or not the querent has used wise counsel, directs his or her power wisely, and how he or she is responding to his or her life's plan. The card can also tell you from what source the querent should draw to assist in the issue at hand.
Meaning: Nightmares, suspicion, and insecurity. Depression weighing one down. Worry and delays. Longing and misery. Pining for a loved one. Distress and obsession. The haunting of past hurts and injustices. Debilitating, unhealthy situation. Unrelenting enemy. Loneliness. Indecision. Bewilderment. Premature end.
While I would normally keep all things to myself, this card truly opens things up. When I got pregnant with my daughter at 17, I went to an adoption agency (before I ever thought of telling my parents I was pregnant) because I thought my parents would feel a tiny bit better for knowing that while I had not been cautious about NOT getting pregnant, I was at least taking responsible steps to remedy the situation. My mother, being the mother that she is, told me that I "better hold on to this child. She may be the only one you ever have."
I literally felt the earth suck in a breath when she said that. Something about my fate changed in that moment. Events after that have never led me to believe that I was wrong.
I got pregnant again at 18. Bug was not even a year old yet, I had just finished high school (yes, even though I gave birth to Bug only a month into the school year, I still finished!), and had started my very first year of college. I made a decision which I'm certain a great many people (especially women who have been ttc for years) would be disgusted by. But at the time, it was the right choice for me. I had an abortion.
That decision, while I still feel like it was the right one for me at the time, has haunted me for 10 years. I went by myself, told no one (except the "sperm donor" [who told me it wasn't his to begin with! asshole!] and a couple of good friends), had no support of any kind from anyone, and worst of all - after it was all said and done with, as I got up from the table, I actually saw the fetus lying in the bowl. The memory of that sight has brought me nightmares to this day.
Then, after all that (as if it wasn't enough on its own), I got pregnant again at 20. (oh to have those easy days of fertility). I carried that baby to birth. My son, Alex. For reasons better left out of a blog post, I gave my son up for adoption. I kept him for 2 months, and nursed him, so that he would have a better chance at life, while I searched for a new family for him. Don't misunderstand me, I neither took the decision to give him up for adoption nor the decision of his adoptive family lightly. I myself am adopted. The system sometimes truly does work. Alex was born in 2004. He is nearly 8 years old. I get pictures of him from time to time and I know that he is healthy and smart and has a great life. I couldn't ask, nor provide, for more. It is not a decision that I regret very often.
Back to what my mother said. Out of 3 pregnancies, I have only 1 child. While the other 2 were certainly my own decisions and not miscarriages, the fact remains that I still only have the one child. I have longed for another baby since I was 22. The desire has consumed me. Part of it is probably (if I were honest with myself) to prove my Mother wrong, and the other part is that I just do not feel complete with only one child. I know that there is another soul who is supposed to be in my life. I feel it, I know it, I dream of it.
Page of Cups
In the Outcome positionThe final card shows overall advice and counsel on the question asked.
Meaning: Good news. Invitation. A cheerful young person with a trusting heart. Optimism. Romantic interest. Imagination. Playfulness. Artistic abilities. Compassion and understanding. Birth of a child. An accommodating, well-mannered soul.
I don't believe I could have gotten a clearer meaning to my question. Remember the question? "Am I pregnant?" My outcome, after going through my entire life in the other cards is "Birth of a Child". According to the tarot, I indeed am pregnant.
Well then. I think that between yesterday's positive tarot reading and today's, I should feel much better about my two week wait (so I can test and get a bfp!). If only it were that easy!!!!
Though I certainly do feel better. My whole attitude went from sluggishly "ugh" to super excited!
May the Lord and Lady give their blessings that it be so. So mote it be!
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
I feel so bleh!
Well all of the pains and "ugh" feelings over the past several days have subsided. But now I just feel so exhausted!!! I feel limp. If I put my arms down by my side I feel my whole body just dragging toward the earth. It is a major effort just to hold my head up!
It hurts to lie on my stomach (and I'm a stomach sleeper, so this is NOT a good thing!). It feels like I'm lying on a bunched up blanket! And I get that same sinking feeling.
I feel pukey. I'm gassy. I'm tired. I'm sleepy. My back hurts. And I'm still having these blasted achy cramps all over my abdomen. I'm producing much more saliva than I normally do - because it's collecting in my mouth and I have to swallow it all back down. My CM today is definitely increased in quantity. And it's sticky. And has whitish globs. Sorry, that last bit was probably TMI!!!!
I feel so spacy and just out of it. I can stare off into nothingville and completely loose myself in nothingness. No thoughts, no focus.
My heart is beating so hard that it actually shakes my breasts and belly with each beat. I can watch it and feel it and hear it drumming.
My pulse rate is very elevated. Yesterday it was over 100 bpm and today it is slower but still elevated: 83 bpm. My normal resting pulse rate is around the low 70s.
My head spins and pounds every single time I stand up, no matter how slowly I stand. If I change positions (moving from left to right side while lying down or from front to back), my head absolutely throbs with each heart beat. I can sit perfectly still and my head will spin.
Nausea comes and goes.
I am craving both salty and sweet. And they come right on the heels of each other. For lunch I ate 2 pieces of sliced swiss cheese (which I normally ONLY like on sandwiches & hamburgers, but never ever by itself), a big bunch of grapes (yum!), and several spoonfuls of chocolate icing. WTH? I'm craving fruit. I hate melons of all types, but I have the smell of a honey dew melon in my nose right now (only a memory as I'm not actually at the store) and I LOVE the smell. It makes me want one so badly. (And I hate them!)
I think I'm crazy. Absolutely insane.
Two days past ovulation and I am experiencing very very strong symptoms. Of what? I'm not sure yet. I want to hold off my testing until the 24th which is the day I'm supposed to receive a visit from my despised AF! I doubt I can wait that long! The desire to pee on that stupid stick is ridiculously strong and I have NO NO NO reason to pee on it yet! LOL If pregnant, I certainly haven't even implanted yet!
I keep talking to my belly though. (Told you I was crazy!) I keep talking to that egg telling her that she better be fertilized and to make her way carefully to my uterus. There to implant and bury in deep enough to make a good, healthy, sticky home for the baby that is dividing its little cells like crazy!!!!
And what makes me craziest of all? I truly in my heart of hearts hope that I'll find out in 6-8 weeks (or so) that it's twins.
DH is very good about having prophetic dreams. He truly is. But he hasn't had any dreams about me being pregnant or babies yet. I don't know if I should take it as a bad sign that he hasn't, or just that it's too early for him to be dreaming!
You know, as women we spend an awful lot of our time waiting. Waiting in line at the grocery store, waiting on our man to do something, waiting for our bodies to bleed or breed every month, waiting for our babies to be born, waiting for our children to grow up, waiting for our children to call, waiting for dinner to get ready, waiting for two weeks until we can find out if we're pregnant or not, waiting for AF to go away so we can try again, waiting to hear back from a doctor, waiting, waiting, waiting! We do a LOT of waiting!
It hurts to lie on my stomach (and I'm a stomach sleeper, so this is NOT a good thing!). It feels like I'm lying on a bunched up blanket! And I get that same sinking feeling.
I feel pukey. I'm gassy. I'm tired. I'm sleepy. My back hurts. And I'm still having these blasted achy cramps all over my abdomen. I'm producing much more saliva than I normally do - because it's collecting in my mouth and I have to swallow it all back down. My CM today is definitely increased in quantity. And it's sticky. And has whitish globs. Sorry, that last bit was probably TMI!!!!
I feel so spacy and just out of it. I can stare off into nothingville and completely loose myself in nothingness. No thoughts, no focus.
My heart is beating so hard that it actually shakes my breasts and belly with each beat. I can watch it and feel it and hear it drumming.
My pulse rate is very elevated. Yesterday it was over 100 bpm and today it is slower but still elevated: 83 bpm. My normal resting pulse rate is around the low 70s.
My head spins and pounds every single time I stand up, no matter how slowly I stand. If I change positions (moving from left to right side while lying down or from front to back), my head absolutely throbs with each heart beat. I can sit perfectly still and my head will spin.
Nausea comes and goes.
I am craving both salty and sweet. And they come right on the heels of each other. For lunch I ate 2 pieces of sliced swiss cheese (which I normally ONLY like on sandwiches & hamburgers, but never ever by itself), a big bunch of grapes (yum!), and several spoonfuls of chocolate icing. WTH? I'm craving fruit. I hate melons of all types, but I have the smell of a honey dew melon in my nose right now (only a memory as I'm not actually at the store) and I LOVE the smell. It makes me want one so badly. (And I hate them!)
I think I'm crazy. Absolutely insane.
Two days past ovulation and I am experiencing very very strong symptoms. Of what? I'm not sure yet. I want to hold off my testing until the 24th which is the day I'm supposed to receive a visit from my despised AF! I doubt I can wait that long! The desire to pee on that stupid stick is ridiculously strong and I have NO NO NO reason to pee on it yet! LOL If pregnant, I certainly haven't even implanted yet!
I keep talking to my belly though. (Told you I was crazy!) I keep talking to that egg telling her that she better be fertilized and to make her way carefully to my uterus. There to implant and bury in deep enough to make a good, healthy, sticky home for the baby that is dividing its little cells like crazy!!!!
And what makes me craziest of all? I truly in my heart of hearts hope that I'll find out in 6-8 weeks (or so) that it's twins.
DH is very good about having prophetic dreams. He truly is. But he hasn't had any dreams about me being pregnant or babies yet. I don't know if I should take it as a bad sign that he hasn't, or just that it's too early for him to be dreaming!
You know, as women we spend an awful lot of our time waiting. Waiting in line at the grocery store, waiting on our man to do something, waiting for our bodies to bleed or breed every month, waiting for our babies to be born, waiting for our children to grow up, waiting for our children to call, waiting for dinner to get ready, waiting for two weeks until we can find out if we're pregnant or not, waiting for AF to go away so we can try again, waiting to hear back from a doctor, waiting, waiting, waiting! We do a LOT of waiting!
Favorable Tarot
Being the good pagan that I am, I decided to do a Tarot Reading regarding my potential/possible pregnancy this cycle. Mind you, I'm only 2 dpo! But I'm eaten up with curiosity!
Deck: Llewellyn Tarot
Spread: Past, Present, Future
A card in the left position indicates what has happened to affect your question in the past.
Meaning: A powerful man with a quick temper. He is no fool and should be handled with care. A daring, impressive, effective leader, if a little harsh. A man of influence and long reach. Tenacity. Passion and conviction. An authority. Commanding presence. Impact, bravery, and ambition.
Sounds a little like my hubby!
A card in the middle position indicates what is affecting your question at this time.
Meaning: Planning. Using one's intuition to search out new possibilities and hidden options. Foresight. Viewing a situation from a higher perspective. Brainstorming and consideration. Weighing of options. Using one's imagination. Anticipating obstacles and uncertainty. Assessing one's own capabilities. Focus and executive responsibilities.
This definitely sounds like me. Going with my gut instinct - planning out all my strategies for bd'ing and ttc tips & tricks.
A card in the right position indicates your questions future.
Meaning: Triumph. Victory parade. Success of a multifaceted endeavour. Leadership, competence, and maturity. Conquest. An evolved personality. Courage. Being centered and secure. Moral, ethical progress and conduct. A high-minded, honourable approach to life. Balance, integration. Harmony of opposite tensions. Equilibrium. Reconciling opposing forces or views. Uniting right and left brain functions. Control over inner conflicts. Harnessing wild energies. Life unfolding at an accelerated pace, yet maintaining direction. Finding one¹s stride. Enjoying the thrill and ride of life. Engaging an ambition or dream. Achievement. High energy. Promotion, honours, and reward. Overcoming opposition. May indicate a rescue, as in the arrival of the cavalry.
I particularly like this one! Triumph. Reward. Oh Blessed Mother let it be so!!!!
Deck: Llewellyn Tarot
Spread: Past, Present, Future
King of Swords
In the Past positionA card in the left position indicates what has happened to affect your question in the past.
Meaning: A powerful man with a quick temper. He is no fool and should be handled with care. A daring, impressive, effective leader, if a little harsh. A man of influence and long reach. Tenacity. Passion and conviction. An authority. Commanding presence. Impact, bravery, and ambition.
Sounds a little like my hubby!
Two of Wands
In the Present positionA card in the middle position indicates what is affecting your question at this time.
Meaning: Planning. Using one's intuition to search out new possibilities and hidden options. Foresight. Viewing a situation from a higher perspective. Brainstorming and consideration. Weighing of options. Using one's imagination. Anticipating obstacles and uncertainty. Assessing one's own capabilities. Focus and executive responsibilities.
This definitely sounds like me. Going with my gut instinct - planning out all my strategies for bd'ing and ttc tips & tricks.
The Chariot
In the Future positionA card in the right position indicates your questions future.
Meaning: Triumph. Victory parade. Success of a multifaceted endeavour. Leadership, competence, and maturity. Conquest. An evolved personality. Courage. Being centered and secure. Moral, ethical progress and conduct. A high-minded, honourable approach to life. Balance, integration. Harmony of opposite tensions. Equilibrium. Reconciling opposing forces or views. Uniting right and left brain functions. Control over inner conflicts. Harnessing wild energies. Life unfolding at an accelerated pace, yet maintaining direction. Finding one¹s stride. Enjoying the thrill and ride of life. Engaging an ambition or dream. Achievement. High energy. Promotion, honours, and reward. Overcoming opposition. May indicate a rescue, as in the arrival of the cavalry.
I particularly like this one! Triumph. Reward. Oh Blessed Mother let it be so!!!!
Monday, June 11, 2012
This is crazy!
Argh!!!
When I was 17, I didn't think anything at all about my reproductive organs other than that they were a nuisance every month!
I, not DH but I, am pursuing this whole baby thing like I was infertile! It's making me crazy.
I hate how badly I want this and have wanted it for so long. It is driving me insane.
Each and every day I spend hours and hours on the Baby Center (.com) forums and the Countdown to Pregnancy website. Tracking symptoms, cervical mucus, trying to learn about my cervical position and generally watching how everyone else is ttc.
I read their posts about IVFs, IUIs, Clomid, Progesterone levels, their miscarriages, how long they've been TTC without success, chemical pregnancies, ectopic pregnancies, PCOS, etc etc etc. And I feel rather left out. How ridiculous is that? When I was 20, I had absolutely no fertility issues. The only things that have changed since the last time I was pregnant are: some scar tissue on my cervix from that lovely round of cervical cancer & some past issues with ovarian cysts (one of which I had surgically removed). But still, no fertility issues at all (that I'm aware of). So why do I feel left out and like I'm not one of the club? I mean, for the Lord and Lady's sake, me NOT having fertility issues is a good thing!
I just, I've wanted this for so long and without any "hmmm, I honestly think I'm pregnant" scares for the past 6 years that I just feel infertile. Infertile without fertility issues. Oh, how I hate irony.
This really can't be good for me!!! Watching hundreds of "Fertilization/Implantation" videos. Reading everything I can get my hands on about conception. Agonizing over the tiniest of twinges in my body - "is that gas or am I ovulating? It quit hurting for 10 minutes but then came back with a vengeance. Oh no! I'm not hurting at all anymore! Does that mean I'm through ovulating but not pregnant? Such and such percentage of woman had this common symptom and only half of them were actually pregnant!"
I wake up first thing and try to assess my body for changes. I get ready for work and head to work, still assessing my body. While at work, I read the websites and obsess over what my body is doing at that moment. When I get home, I get on the computer and try to catch up on things I might've missed in the forums since the hour I've been away.
Still obsessing over what my body may or may not be doing.
I'm paranoid because DH and I didn't dtd Saturday night because he "didn't feel good". I'm paranoid because he aggravated me so badly last night that I didn't feel like dtd. So that's 2 whole days of potential baby making that we missed. And I believe I ovulated either this morning or sometime yesterday. And there's no fresh sperm making its way to my egg!
I'm just going to have to wait and hope and pray that either I haven't ovulated yet or that the sperm from Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday are enough, are strong enough, are healthy enough, are long living enough, to fertilize my egg 3, 4, and 5 days (if I ovulated yesterday, longer if today) away from ovulation.
I am completely kicking myself in the behind over not making DH bd with me Saturday. I am so angry with myself for not being willing last night.
I can't test for 11 days at the earliest. I just might implant on the 19th. I just DON'T know how I'm going to manage all this waiting!!!!!!! Eleven days is a very very very very very very very long time to wait!
I need to stop obsessing. I need to stop watching videos and reading posts. I need to NOT think about it. But sadly, that is NOT an option. I am a woman who needs to be pregnant. I am a mother who desperately wants another baby. I am a wife who fervently wants to carry her husband's child. I am an animal with a primeval need to procreate my own species.
I am a nervous wreck, that's what I am!
When I was 17, I didn't think anything at all about my reproductive organs other than that they were a nuisance every month!
I, not DH but I, am pursuing this whole baby thing like I was infertile! It's making me crazy.
I hate how badly I want this and have wanted it for so long. It is driving me insane.
Each and every day I spend hours and hours on the Baby Center (.com) forums and the Countdown to Pregnancy website. Tracking symptoms, cervical mucus, trying to learn about my cervical position and generally watching how everyone else is ttc.
I read their posts about IVFs, IUIs, Clomid, Progesterone levels, their miscarriages, how long they've been TTC without success, chemical pregnancies, ectopic pregnancies, PCOS, etc etc etc. And I feel rather left out. How ridiculous is that? When I was 20, I had absolutely no fertility issues. The only things that have changed since the last time I was pregnant are: some scar tissue on my cervix from that lovely round of cervical cancer & some past issues with ovarian cysts (one of which I had surgically removed). But still, no fertility issues at all (that I'm aware of). So why do I feel left out and like I'm not one of the club? I mean, for the Lord and Lady's sake, me NOT having fertility issues is a good thing!
I just, I've wanted this for so long and without any "hmmm, I honestly think I'm pregnant" scares for the past 6 years that I just feel infertile. Infertile without fertility issues. Oh, how I hate irony.
This really can't be good for me!!! Watching hundreds of "Fertilization/Implantation" videos. Reading everything I can get my hands on about conception. Agonizing over the tiniest of twinges in my body - "is that gas or am I ovulating? It quit hurting for 10 minutes but then came back with a vengeance. Oh no! I'm not hurting at all anymore! Does that mean I'm through ovulating but not pregnant? Such and such percentage of woman had this common symptom and only half of them were actually pregnant!"
I wake up first thing and try to assess my body for changes. I get ready for work and head to work, still assessing my body. While at work, I read the websites and obsess over what my body is doing at that moment. When I get home, I get on the computer and try to catch up on things I might've missed in the forums since the hour I've been away.
Still obsessing over what my body may or may not be doing.
I'm paranoid because DH and I didn't dtd Saturday night because he "didn't feel good". I'm paranoid because he aggravated me so badly last night that I didn't feel like dtd. So that's 2 whole days of potential baby making that we missed. And I believe I ovulated either this morning or sometime yesterday. And there's no fresh sperm making its way to my egg!
I'm just going to have to wait and hope and pray that either I haven't ovulated yet or that the sperm from Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday are enough, are strong enough, are healthy enough, are long living enough, to fertilize my egg 3, 4, and 5 days (if I ovulated yesterday, longer if today) away from ovulation.
I am completely kicking myself in the behind over not making DH bd with me Saturday. I am so angry with myself for not being willing last night.
I can't test for 11 days at the earliest. I just might implant on the 19th. I just DON'T know how I'm going to manage all this waiting!!!!!!! Eleven days is a very very very very very very very long time to wait!
I need to stop obsessing. I need to stop watching videos and reading posts. I need to NOT think about it. But sadly, that is NOT an option. I am a woman who needs to be pregnant. I am a mother who desperately wants another baby. I am a wife who fervently wants to carry her husband's child. I am an animal with a primeval need to procreate my own species.
I am a nervous wreck, that's what I am!
Sunday, June 10, 2012
I knew it!
Argh!
I knew that jack ass would find some excuse not to bd at least once!!
"I don't feel good," said he.
I really hope I o'd yesterday because he's been being good about keeping his promise and had swimmers already there and waiting.
I just really hope we catch that egg and I get a bfp this month!
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Ovulation by any other name
Working on a sticky bean so hard this month!
When I got off work yesterday I went by the drugstore and picked up some Preseed and instead soft cups.
I also managed to jump the fun and bought a 3 pack of hpts. I'm probably going to regret that!
Anyway, last night was so stressful. I had asked dh to have the grill ready when I got home. Of course he was still asleep. So I wake him up and let him focus. Figured I'd just make spaghetti. Go to the store and he decides he wants to grill fish. Now this is 9 at night and I'm so tired I can't see straight! Whatever. I let him grill his fish.
It was tasty but really don't think it was worth the wait.
Afterwards I'm starting to get antsy because we really need to bd before I go to bed. He wants to watch tv. So I play dirty. I went and put on something sexy and just paraded around until he got his butt of the couch! Whatever works is what I say!
Used the preseed. It worked very well as a lubricant. Will definitely be worth the $20 if I get pregnant!
Afterwards I hopped up and ran into the bath room to insert an isc.
Technically the isc is for af. But I've read of people using them to keep from leaking after bding. So I figured why not give them a try!
My cm today is back down from the ew it was yesterday so I'm super glad we dtd. I'm thinking that sometime during the night or today I have or am going to ovulate.
I really hope so. Dh and I have been bding everyday in the hopes of catching that egg.
Yesterday I was wired. I had so much energy! I guess I just used it all up because today I have just ben so lethargic and drained feeling. However after lunch I got a little bit more energetic. Not by much, but a bit.
We'll just have to see how things go tonight!
Friday, June 8, 2012
Twinges
I've been having lots of twinges in my ovary areas. Both sides. I wonder if I'm getting ready to ovulate?
I've had a problem with ovarian cysts before and I know it's normal to grey then during my menses. But I know I haven't had any big ones for a while and these pains are slight and on both sides.
Normally I have a 24 day cycle. But I've been known to have one a short as 23 days and as long as 27 days.
This makes pinpointing ovulation difficult - especially as I don't use opks. (Guess I should invest in some of those.) But difficult in predicting O before hand. Since my luteal phase is always 14 days it's easy to figure out my O day after the fact.
Well either way, I'm certainly trying to swatch the odds in my favor this month. I've BDed 3 times so far (the 6th and twice on the 7th), and plan on BDing until the 15th or 16th.
I want to catch that egg!!
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Let the Dance Begin!
Cycle Day 7!
I am entering my Fertile Period. Should ovulate in 5 days or so. Kinda hoping to ovulate earlier than that though.
Either way - Let the baby dancing begin!
We're going to give every day a shot until the 15th or 16 (occasionally I ovulate late, so I want to be sure to catch that egg!)
I really want this month to be my month!
Oh - and I hoped on the scale today! I've lost 2 pounds! Yay!
I am entering my Fertile Period. Should ovulate in 5 days or so. Kinda hoping to ovulate earlier than that though.
Either way - Let the baby dancing begin!
We're going to give every day a shot until the 15th or 16 (occasionally I ovulate late, so I want to be sure to catch that egg!)
I really want this month to be my month!
Oh - and I hoped on the scale today! I've lost 2 pounds! Yay!
Monday, June 4, 2012
Getting ready for baby!
Well today I went to the drugstore to get my prenatal. Went with Centrum + dha. Also got a folic acid supplement.
Replaced my usual multi for the prenatal and added 2 250 mcg folic acid tablets.
That ups my folic acid to 1000 mcgs including the prenatal vitamin.
I took my usual fish oil, which I've been taking for a year or more along with the dha supplement that came with the prenatal. Not sure what that brings my total up to. Will have to check the label but I think it brings it up to either 750 or 1250 mcgs.
I also added 500 mcgs of folic acid to dh's nightly pills. I read somewhere that upping his folic acid intake could help motility.
All that aside, I also only had 2 20 oz mountain dews today! I had a killer headache by the time I ran to the store for my second dew. Kicking the caffine is going to be the hardest thing for me. That and quitting smoking. I didn't try to hold back on the smokes today but will definitely try better tomorrow.
Maybe only smoke one every 3 to 4 hours. That will cut it down from 20+ a day to 6 to 8 a day. That's a big difference!
Anyway it's long past my bed time and I have a full day at work tomorrow. So good night for now!
Replaced my usual multi for the prenatal and added 2 250 mcg folic acid tablets.
That ups my folic acid to 1000 mcgs including the prenatal vitamin.
I took my usual fish oil, which I've been taking for a year or more along with the dha supplement that came with the prenatal. Not sure what that brings my total up to. Will have to check the label but I think it brings it up to either 750 or 1250 mcgs.
I also added 500 mcgs of folic acid to dh's nightly pills. I read somewhere that upping his folic acid intake could help motility.
All that aside, I also only had 2 20 oz mountain dews today! I had a killer headache by the time I ran to the store for my second dew. Kicking the caffine is going to be the hardest thing for me. That and quitting smoking. I didn't try to hold back on the smokes today but will definitely try better tomorrow.
Maybe only smoke one every 3 to 4 hours. That will cut it down from 20+ a day to 6 to 8 a day. That's a big difference!
Anyway it's long past my bed time and I have a full day at work tomorrow. So good night for now!
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Just had an awesome talk with DH!
Ok, so I just had an awesome talk with my dear hubby tonight!
While at work today, I did some research on trying to conceive tips and tricks. And one of those tips is to use egg whites to make a better environment for his swimmers while they're trying to find my egg. Another one is a particular kind of lubricant that won't kill his sperm. And so forth and so on.
So I'm telling hubby about it and he stops me.
"See this is what I'm talking about. I don't want to do all this stuff."
"Fine! I knew you were a lier. You don't want a baby and I'll just drop it!"
"No I'm not. No, let's talk about it. I don't want you getting all stressed out about doing research and baby stuff and then it not happening every month."
"Oh."
Well, it turns out that we've been having a miscommunication error. His actual sincere concern is me getting super excited during my tww (two week wait [between ovulation and waiting for the dreaded AF - aunt flow]) and then getting depressed when AF rears her ugly head.
He also doesn't want to be told, "we have to have sex right now."
BUT!!!!!!!!
He is willing to dtd every day (or every other day or whatever) during my fertile window so that we make sure there are some baby swimmers waiting on my egg every month.
He says he doesn't care if I chart, or check CM or CP or any of that stuff. Just so long as I say, ok from this day to this we have to dtd every day then we get to take a break!
I also explained to him that I have been going through 9 months of AF hell all by myself. That I feel like I have to hide things - like my time on the baby center forums and any hpts I take and my feelings when its a BFN (big fat negative).
He's known about the hpts. And he told me that he hates that I hide them from him. That he'd rather know about it. He'd like to be a part of it.
And he also told me that when he said "I'm more open to that thing [which is how we refer to ttc without actually saying it]", he was actually saying. Yes, let's have a baby.
Well. I'm so very glad he and I had this little chat. It clears up a lot more things for me and makes me a much happier person.
I doubt it'll keep my stress over my tww and af and all that totally down. But it will help. Because finally I can share it with DH. And he'll be just as anxious, excited, disappointed, etc. as I will.
So. I'm CD3 and have a few more days to go before my fertile window comes along. So I'm going to sit back and relax before the sexfest begins. Because by this time, week after next, I plan on being a very very exhausted but hopefully well on my way to pregnant woman!
While at work today, I did some research on trying to conceive tips and tricks. And one of those tips is to use egg whites to make a better environment for his swimmers while they're trying to find my egg. Another one is a particular kind of lubricant that won't kill his sperm. And so forth and so on.
So I'm telling hubby about it and he stops me.
"See this is what I'm talking about. I don't want to do all this stuff."
"Fine! I knew you were a lier. You don't want a baby and I'll just drop it!"
"No I'm not. No, let's talk about it. I don't want you getting all stressed out about doing research and baby stuff and then it not happening every month."
"Oh."
Well, it turns out that we've been having a miscommunication error. His actual sincere concern is me getting super excited during my tww (two week wait [between ovulation and waiting for the dreaded AF - aunt flow]) and then getting depressed when AF rears her ugly head.
He also doesn't want to be told, "we have to have sex right now."
BUT!!!!!!!!
He is willing to dtd every day (or every other day or whatever) during my fertile window so that we make sure there are some baby swimmers waiting on my egg every month.
He says he doesn't care if I chart, or check CM or CP or any of that stuff. Just so long as I say, ok from this day to this we have to dtd every day then we get to take a break!
I also explained to him that I have been going through 9 months of AF hell all by myself. That I feel like I have to hide things - like my time on the baby center forums and any hpts I take and my feelings when its a BFN (big fat negative).
He's known about the hpts. And he told me that he hates that I hide them from him. That he'd rather know about it. He'd like to be a part of it.
And he also told me that when he said "I'm more open to that thing [which is how we refer to ttc without actually saying it]", he was actually saying. Yes, let's have a baby.
Well. I'm so very glad he and I had this little chat. It clears up a lot more things for me and makes me a much happier person.
I doubt it'll keep my stress over my tww and af and all that totally down. But it will help. Because finally I can share it with DH. And he'll be just as anxious, excited, disappointed, etc. as I will.
So. I'm CD3 and have a few more days to go before my fertile window comes along. So I'm going to sit back and relax before the sexfest begins. Because by this time, week after next, I plan on being a very very exhausted but hopefully well on my way to pregnant woman!
Introducing the wonderful and fabulous(ly insane) Brenda!
Let me start of by introducing myself. My name is Brenda. I'm a reasonably healthy (albeit overweight) 28 year old woman who has an insanely profound desire for another baby.
Welcome to my world!
I have one daughter, Kate (aka Bug) who is 10. She will be 11 in September 2012.
I am married to the fantastic Mr. Jimmy! When I refer to him, if I don't do so by name, I will be calling him hubby, dear hubby, that jack ass, or DH (short for dear hubby).
We have 16 pets. They are:
Delta the Rottweiler (dh's dog)
Gemma the terrier mutt (my dog)
Cats: Yoda, Salem, Cheech, Mama Odie, Bandit & Bandit's 4 kittens (Padamae, Sergent McFuzzy Boots, Luke, and Lea)
Lexie the Jenday Conure
Rock the African Grey Parrot
Harold the Chinchilla
Sampson the Hermit Crab
and last but not least: No Name the Halloween Crab
Yep. I have one full house! And yes, I do want to add another baby into that crazy mix!
That's enough about that - on to the state of my empty womb.
Ok, so 5 years ago my biological clock started beating pretty loud. I tried to listen to it, but that jack ass (ha ha) hubby of mine under no circumstances wanted to hear it.
His excuses over the years:
I'm happy with the way our family is.
I'm not ready to be a dad again.
I'm just not ready.
I'm happy with things as they are now.
I don't want a baby.
Why would you want some screaming crying pissing shitting thing?
Who would take care of it?
I'm not changing it.
I don't want a baby.
If it happens, it happens.
It'll happen when the time is right.
We can't afford it.
Get a job and stick with it for longer than 2 months and we'll talk.
You don't have a real job.
You have no job security.
You don't make enough money.
How the hell could we afford it?
A tax break is not a good enough reason to have another kid.
Get a real job and we'll talk about it.
I don't want it to become a scheduled thing.
I don't want it to become mechanical.
It won't be fun.
I don't want to be told when I have to dtd (do the deed - aka: have sex)
I don't want to time things. They won't be fun that way.
And my all time favorite: NO.
Well!
In answer to some of his replies, I have:
Gotten a job I hated and stuck with it for 2 years.
Gotten a better job where I make more money and have more job security.
Have tried to make dtd more spontaneous and fun.
Have quit talking about having a baby for months on end.
All in all it has made me super depressed, bitchy, and angry about and towards him.
When our friends and co-workers have announced their pregnancies, I've gotten depressed, angry, and cried.
When I see commercials on tv about home pregnancy tests, I cry. (Where's my BFP [big fat positive]???)
When someone on tv or in a movie is pregnant/has a baby, I cry.
Yada Yada Yada Blah Blah Blah
Ok, so that's the basic back story.
Hubby has been putting it off for years. And has also been telling me little by little that he's "more open to the idea." But never - ok, let's do the damn thing!
Back in October, my best friend called me freaking out. She thought she was pregnant. So, having never had a baby (or a baby scare) before in her entire life, she came over to my house to take her hpt. Three tests later and she's still getting errors on her tests. We figure she's not doing something right or something is wrong with the tests themselves. So we go get a new set of tests and she pees in a cup. Being the awesome friend that I am, I actually dip the stick for her.
Three minutes later and she's got a BFP! Second test - BFP!!!
Yay! My best friend is pregnant by total surprise and accident!
So I tell my DH - you know what this means, right? It means you have to get off the "no baby" roller coaster and get on the damn ride! He agrees. But still gives me the "I don't want it to be a stressful thing".
NINE very long months later and I've even quit hoping I'm pregnant. He's never willing to dtd during my fertile window and certainly not when I'm ovulating. He's not really giving it the "ol' college try".
Where does this leave me? Completely bummed.
This brings me to the present, a week ago.
Last Sunday my hubby has to go to the hospital for chest pains. He thought he was having a heart attack. Fortunately it wasn't a heart attack. Obesity and Heat don't mix well. Plus, we did find out he's got a Left Bundle Branch Block. The doctors say, "loose the weight so we don't have to put a pacemaker in your 30 year old chest." Ok says hubby!
On the way out of the hospital parking lot (after spending 2 days there), hubby tells me that he's "way more open to having a kid now." Yay says I!
But what did those words really mean?
From the way he's talked, he hasn't changed his mind on anything really. He still doesn't want "us" to get all stressed out about trying to conceive.
This more than anything stresses me the hell out.
Time will tell how things work out.
Just a start....
Ok, this is just a start to a blog which will hopefully keep me somewhat sane as I actively try to conceive and then possibly kill my dear hubby! LOL I'm just kidding about the killing of my husband.
Anyway, I have to go cook something for supper right now, but I'll be back later to ramble on about how all this got started, what plans and hopes and dreams are, etc.
Bye for now!
Anyway, I have to go cook something for supper right now, but I'll be back later to ramble on about how all this got started, what plans and hopes and dreams are, etc.
Bye for now!
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