Introducing the wonderful and fabulous(ly insane) Brenda!

Let me start of by introducing myself.  My name is Brenda.  I'm a reasonably healthy (albeit overweight) 28 year old woman who has an insanely profound desire for another baby.

Welcome to my world!

I have one daughter, Kate (aka Bug) who is 10.  She will be 11 in September 2012.

I am married to the fantastic Mr. Jimmy! When I refer to him, if I don't do so by name, I will be calling him hubby, dear hubby, that jack ass, or DH (short for dear hubby).

We have 16 pets.  They are:

Delta the Rottweiler (dh's dog)
Gemma the terrier mutt (my dog)
Cats:  Yoda, Salem, Cheech, Mama Odie, Bandit & Bandit's 4 kittens (Padamae, Sergent McFuzzy Boots, Luke, and Lea)
Lexie the Jenday Conure
Rock the African Grey Parrot
Harold the Chinchilla
Sampson the Hermit Crab
and last but not least:  No Name the Halloween Crab


Yep.  I have one full house!  And yes, I do want to add another baby into that crazy mix!

That's enough about that - on to the state of my empty womb.

 Ok, so 5 years ago my biological clock started beating pretty loud.  I tried to listen to it, but that jack ass (ha ha) hubby of mine under no circumstances wanted to hear it.

His excuses over the years:

I'm happy with the way our family is.
I'm not ready to be a dad again.
I'm just not ready.
I'm happy with things as they are now.
I don't want a baby.
Why would you want some screaming crying pissing shitting thing?
Who would take care of it?
I'm not changing it.
I don't want a baby.
If it happens, it happens.
It'll happen when the time is right.
We can't afford it.
Get a job and stick with it for longer than 2 months and we'll talk.
You don't have a real job.
You have no job security.
You don't make enough money.
How the hell could we afford it?
A tax break is not a good enough reason to have another kid.
Get a real job and we'll talk about it.
I don't want it to become a scheduled thing.
I don't want it to become mechanical.
It won't be fun.
I don't want to be told when I have to dtd (do the deed - aka: have sex)
I don't want to time things.  They won't be fun that way.
And my all time favorite:  NO.


Well!

In answer to some of his replies, I have:

Gotten a job I hated and stuck with it for 2 years.
Gotten a better job where I make more money and have more job security.
Have tried to make dtd more spontaneous and fun.
Have quit talking about having a baby for months on end.

All in all it has made me super depressed, bitchy, and angry about and towards him.

When our friends and co-workers have announced their pregnancies, I've gotten depressed, angry, and cried.

When I see commercials on tv about home pregnancy tests, I cry.  (Where's my BFP  [big fat positive]???)

When someone on tv or in a movie is pregnant/has a baby, I cry.

Yada Yada Yada Blah Blah Blah

Ok, so that's the basic back story.

Hubby has been putting it off for years.  And has also been telling me little by little that he's "more open to the idea."  But never - ok, let's do the damn thing!


Back in October, my best friend called me freaking out.  She thought she was pregnant.  So, having never had a baby (or a baby scare) before in her entire life, she came over to my house to take her hpt.  Three tests later and she's still getting errors on her tests.  We figure she's not doing something right or something is wrong with the tests themselves.  So we go get a new set of tests and she pees in a cup.  Being the awesome friend that I am, I actually dip the stick for her.

Three minutes later and she's got a BFP!  Second test - BFP!!!

Yay!  My best friend is pregnant by total surprise and accident!

So I tell my DH - you know what this means, right?  It means you have to get off the "no baby" roller coaster and get on the damn ride!  He agrees.  But still gives me the "I don't want it to be a stressful thing".

NINE very long months later and I've even quit hoping I'm pregnant.  He's never willing to dtd during my fertile window and certainly not when I'm ovulating.  He's not really giving it the "ol' college try".

Where does this leave me?  Completely bummed.

This brings me to the present, a week ago.

Last Sunday my hubby has to go to the hospital for chest pains.  He thought he was having a heart attack.  Fortunately it wasn't a heart attack.  Obesity and Heat don't mix well.  Plus, we did find out he's got a Left Bundle Branch Block.  The doctors say, "loose the weight so we don't have to put a pacemaker in your 30 year old chest."  Ok says hubby!

On the way out of the hospital parking lot (after spending 2 days there), hubby tells me that he's "way more open to having a kid now."  Yay says I!

But what did those words really mean?

From the way he's talked, he hasn't changed his mind on anything really.  He still doesn't want "us" to get all stressed out about trying to conceive. 

This more than anything stresses me the hell out.

Time will tell how things work out.