Psyching myself out

I am completely psyching myself out.  I have been wanting to be pregnant for so long that I'm really screwing with my emotions.  I have had lots of cycles over the years where I invented symptoms and just knew I was pregnant only to get a visit from Af.  This cycle, the symptoms are real but I'm still doubting the truth of them.

All my previous pregnancies were completely unplanned so I have no idea if I had symptoms or not.  I didn't even realize I was late!  It wasn't until 5 weeks that I started violently throwing up that I even expected anything.

I just knew this month would be my month.  I had huge amounts of opptimism before I ovulated.  Just knew it was my time!  But now, I'm not so sure.  My "symptoms" started fading yesterday and I started feeling better.  Today I feel much better.  I'm still having the cramping and back aches, head aches and being tired after short bursts of activity (was so tired after driving to work!).  Blah blah blah.  My newest symptom is my breasts started being sore yesterday with a blue distended vein.  Still having that today.

BUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I very well could have ovulated on the 12th or on the 14th.  I feel (felt) life I o'd on the 9th or 10th.  But I have certainly been known to O later than I think.  So all my symptoms could certainly still have been pre-o symptoms.  Without using opks and temping I just have no idea when I actually o'd.

As for the exhaustion, I can explain that away with not sleeping well for about a week or so and the diet I started right before this cycle started.  Having to pee more often and threw cramps, even the back ache, could poosibly be a uti!

I can explain everything away.  But the biggest thing is that I want it too badly.  And I just don't feel pregnant.  I feel like I've already gotten my bfn.  I just want to break down and weep!

I know that faith, hope, and a positive attitude are something that I should still be holding on to.  I mean, I haven't even given it enough time to implant!!!

I guess I should just change my name to doubting thomasina.  Cause I just don't believe any more.