This is crazy!

Argh!!!

When I was 17, I didn't think anything at all about my reproductive organs other than that they were a nuisance every month!

I, not DH but I, am pursuing this whole baby thing like I was infertile!  It's making me crazy.

I hate how badly I want this and have wanted it for so long.  It is driving me insane.

Each and every day I spend hours and hours on the Baby Center (.com) forums and the Countdown to Pregnancy website.  Tracking symptoms, cervical mucus, trying to learn about my cervical position and generally watching how everyone else is ttc.

I read their posts about IVFs, IUIs, Clomid, Progesterone levels, their miscarriages, how long they've been TTC without success, chemical pregnancies, ectopic pregnancies, PCOS, etc etc etc.  And I feel rather left out.  How ridiculous is that?  When I was 20, I had absolutely no fertility issues.  The only things that have changed since the last time I was pregnant are: some scar tissue on my cervix from that lovely round of cervical cancer & some past issues with ovarian cysts (one of which I had surgically removed).  But still, no fertility issues at all (that I'm aware of).  So why do I feel left out and like I'm not one of the club?  I mean, for the Lord and Lady's sake, me NOT having fertility issues is a good thing!

I just, I've wanted this for so long and without any "hmmm, I honestly think I'm pregnant" scares for the past 6 years that I just feel infertile.  Infertile without fertility issues.  Oh, how I hate irony.

This really can't be good for me!!!  Watching hundreds of "Fertilization/Implantation" videos.  Reading everything I can get my hands on about conception.  Agonizing over the tiniest of twinges in my body - "is that gas or am I ovulating?  It quit hurting for 10 minutes but then came back with a vengeance.  Oh no!  I'm not hurting at all anymore!  Does that mean I'm through ovulating but not pregnant?  Such and such percentage of woman had this common symptom and only half of them were actually pregnant!"

I wake up first thing and try to assess my body for changes.  I get ready for work and head to work, still assessing my body.  While at work, I read the websites and obsess over what my body is doing at that moment.  When I get home, I get on the computer and try to catch up on things I might've missed in the forums since the hour I've been away.

Still obsessing over what my body may or may not be doing.

I'm paranoid because DH and I didn't dtd Saturday night because he "didn't feel good".  I'm paranoid because he aggravated me so badly last night that I didn't feel like dtd.  So that's 2 whole days of potential baby making that we missed.  And I believe I ovulated either this morning or sometime yesterday.  And there's no fresh sperm making its way to my egg!

I'm just going to have to wait and hope and pray that either I haven't ovulated yet or that the sperm from Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday are enough, are strong enough, are healthy enough, are long living enough, to fertilize my egg 3, 4, and 5 days (if I ovulated yesterday, longer if today) away from ovulation.

I am completely kicking myself in the behind over not making DH bd with me Saturday.  I am so angry with myself for not being willing last night.

I can't test for 11 days at the earliest.  I just might implant on the 19th.  I just DON'T know how I'm going to manage all this waiting!!!!!!!  Eleven days is a very very very very very very very long time to wait!

I need to stop obsessing.  I need to stop watching videos and reading posts.  I need to NOT think about it.  But sadly, that is NOT an option.  I am a woman who needs to be pregnant.  I am a mother who desperately wants another baby.  I am a wife who fervently wants to carry her husband's child.  I am an animal with a primeval need to procreate my own species.

I am a nervous wreck, that's what I am!